Actually the first Ah-ah is not so recent, it has been an ever present reality since my boys were born. When my baby boys were sick, I mean really sick and they have been really sick, like hospital sick, undiagnosed sick, long recovery sick, out of country sick, physically-mentally-emotionally-soulfully and spiritually sick, for me time, other interests, my own well-being and all my focus was to to ensure the well-being of my boys. Nothing was more important that. Nothing.
There was a time when no one was diagnosing my eldest correctly and I obsessed on the 20 year old internet almost 24/7. When he had a surgery that did not go optimally if anyone had asked for a glass of water I am not sure I would have known what they were talking about. Years of one challenge after another to their well being and I have two beautiful adult men who I am very proud of.
And ...these over 6ft men are still my baby boys. One was recently hospitalized and needed emergency surgery. Time stopped. I was helpless. I disassociated from everything except obsessing about his well being. The only other important being in my life was my other son. I called him and talked for as long as he would have me.
This is not going to stop. They are my priority. Is it possible for me to have a romantic priority? I would like to think so. I want a romantic priority. I just don't know how to create it out of nothing. I could see falling for an old flame or someone I had history with. Can I create a new history without old memories, just the desire to create new one's, explore new horizons, new possibilities, new love. I would adore this! It's the who and the how I am in wonderment about.
Awhile ago a date asked me if my son was ill would I always go to him, I am sure I looked at him as if he was one of those brain eating giant squid (or something like that) they wrote about in Rolling Stone's article on Goldman Saks. Of course I would go!!!!
His response was that he would then never be a priority. What?? Is this sane or insane? Do I act, feel, think like other human beings. Have I been so otherwise occupied that I have missed a step in humanity's evolution. If I have I am not sorry. Just confused. Bewildered.
I am now so upset, I can't remember what the other Ah-ha was.
I think that guy had a lot of nerve and that was too assuming and brash. I think there's a healthy balance with making all the people you love know that you're reliable and they're a priority. I am not too sure what's normal when it comes to children because my mom would never miss a day of work or leave her animals to come to my aid so I'm not too sure, but being 22 and having this weird transformation which I'll talk to you about sometime, I am noticing my thoughts and instincts changing, leaning towards men and swaying away from men based on my newfound maternal plans for the future, which up until recently had been null and void. I can imagine myself devoting myself entirely to my children especially in time of health issues because there's a pain and an abandonment I have felt and resented, it fuels my unconditional love w/friendships and relationships. It fuels my passion to be the mother I never had. Maybe your past fuel has directed to you where you are and how you react as a mother? I think if you meet the right man, an understanding, experienced, non-entitled, self-sufficienct, empathetic man than he'll understand your commitment and devotion as a mother as something he'd want in a partner. But, I'm not going to lie and say it's healthy to withdraw all communication when internalizing. I've been doing that my whole life and I've never felt healthier as I've seen myself growing out of this hibernation and constant internalizing. It has always affected my relationships negatively to constantly close myself off and not rely and or need anyone else. All people need to feel needed, e.g. when your sons are hurting you are needed. I do think that you should give a hefty amount to those you want to build relationships with otherwise the response and/or thought process might be a redundant and reoccurring theme with future men. Give what you want in return. I hope you find what you're looking for! Luv, Mori
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