The "D" words

Thank you my dearest tribe of friends you have inspired me to continue.

When I was dating in my teens through my thirties I had several requirements for whom I was going to date and mate with, some I have just recently discovered that I had.

1. Intelligence beyond the norm. I grew up with a brilliant father with a photographic memory.
2. The ability to "read" people from all sorts of life and thus have friends from all walks of life like my father. One of my father's saying that I will always remember is that "Even hit men mow the little old ladies lawn down the block." Not the type of wisdom from Father Knows Best or Leave it to Beaver but that was the kind of Dad I had.
3. I definitely knew I needed someone on an evolving spiritual path. That came from me as I had visions, saw dead people, had poltergiest and saw auras up into my thirties. Something about having children changed all that for me. But discovering ways to experience the divine has always been a priority. so I needed a willing participant or an already on the path kind of guy.
4. Kindness was not a value I grew up with but it became a fundamental value that goes along with intelligence, tolerant and spiritual very nicely if you ask me.
5. Had to like what you smelled like of course!
6. And then would you make a good partner to have children with? My biological clock was almost like having Tourette's syndrome, it drove me crazy, I couldn't think without the whole hormonal body-emotions-mind-soul-spirit thing being an ever present entity, a separate personna that would never leave. In the end I chose well. A great father he is. But we are not together anymore. I take great responsibility for that. But I have learned many things about me and about men during and since that time.

So what is different now? Well scratch out #6 and add

1. I need someone who has been in therapy, a recovery program or just about every human potential experience possible because I have been there and done that. ALMOST my whole family have been active participants in these conversations. This is a new discovery. The recovery programs I have found are like these hidden jewels where you can explore what is between you and your Buddah nature for a dollar. And they exist all over the world hidden in plain sight as the TV show is called. For me self actualization is where it is at and it is entertainment.
2. It has to be ok with both of us that the first D", disability has touched me and will most likely touch you. Will you be not just ok with that but encouraging, accepting, supportive, gentle, thoughtful and kind. I now know what that feels like. Thank you E and S. So you can't fool me. I also know me and I can be that person, I have been that person for others including my beloved grandmother, who I guided through 15 years of Alzheimer's to death. I am a great companion-advocate-warrior-nurture person. AND last but not least
3. Will I want to look into your eyes and hold you when I am dying. Will I want to do the same for you. The latter is an easier question for me. Such is my nature. Yes, death is the second "D"word.

So how does one incorporate all this? I am looking for the last great love of my life so this has to be addressed or does it? I carry those thoughts with me every time I go out or meet someone new.

Do I need a lobotomy? More intense therapy? Drugs? What is the answer to this. #3 is now as important as #6 was when I was searching for the one to have children with. Since heaven won't help me you all have to be my heaven. I need your advice!!!!

And I know this is a heavy one but I had to get it out of the way, next will be the perfume thing, lighter I promise!